I copied this from Danielle (thanks love)

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:

10. You make me want to kill myself, I wish you knew that

9. I miss you so much and I can't wait to see you when I come back. Love you babe MUAH!!

8. Dude, I know you are just trying to help but you have to realize I am from a different place with different people and different style so please just back off a bit.

7. Thanks for always being there, even though we are not just down the street anymore

6. Girl I love you and all and I am here for you but I am trying to stay out of high school

5. Thanks for being the person who always responds to concerning messages. I appreciate you looking out for me man

4. I love you and kinda wish we had grown closer before I left but I feel like we didn't start off on the best foot.

3. You fucking lied to me and you deserve to go to hell

2. You are a great person and I love you but why do you always take her side? Can't you see the wrong?

1. You are a lucky guy but I hate you for destroying a friendship

Nine things about myself: 9.I have so much I need to accomplish before my short life comes to a stop. 8. I have at least 5 suicidal thoughts a day but I don't act on them 7. How? I have a special method involving a gift from a loved one 6. I care about my brother more than I thought. I cried over him for at least two hours yesterday 5. I feel like I am losing my musical touch because I no longer have positive inspiration 4. I still wish she was mine 3. I am having a good time I guess but I don't get along with a lot of people here 2. I like to be alone more often than not. I'm not anti-social I just need to be alone or I am gonna end up hurting somebody or myself 1. I wish some things didn't end the way they did

Eight ways to win my heart in relationships: 8. Cuddle with me 7. Don't make me change who I am ever 6. Don't change yourself 5. Be honest with me, I appreciate honesty even if its a hurtful comment 4. Trust is a must 3. Hold me and never let go

2. If I kiss you on the cheek or forehead do it back, I love it 1. Test to see how much my heart rate goes up when you kiss me, I think it's hysterical

Seven things that cross my mind a lot: 7. How I am not home 6. How much I want to die sometimes 5. How much I miss everybody 4. My real friends 3. Thinking about who to date 2. Why I am a loser 1. SUPERHEROES

Six things I do before I fall asleep: 6. Piss 5. Change into more comfy clothing 4. Wash my face 3. Text or call to say goodnight to the bestie 2. Fill up my water bottle 1. Set my alarm

Five people who mean a lot: 5. Aly 4. Paige 3. Trey 2. Danielle 1. Alex

Four things you’re wearing right now: 4. Gym shorts 3. Incredible Hulk tshirt 2. Socks 1. Boxers

Three songs that you listen to often: 3. Why Can't This Be Love?-Van Halen 2. Killers- Iron Maiden 1. Something- Escape the Fate

Two things you want to do before you die: 2. Get my musical/play published 1. Sell an album for real

One Confession: 1. I stare death in the face rather often whether its on my own accord or not but I still do not fear him

"Heartache" Written August 30, 2009

I looked into her eyes and asked her, “Do you even care that I am leaving?” She contemplated for no longer than three seconds and uttered, “No, not anymore.” That was the moment in time I could pinpoint as the end of our true friendship. Those words stung and I just sat there and soaked them in. I was in shock but somehow still knew what her response would be. I could not even begin to think what to say to that… I had to think about all the circumstances.

Nearly two years of my life seemed irrelevant now. My best friend looked me in the eyes and told me she doesn’t care anymore. Keep in mind this is the same girl who a few months ago embraced me as tightly as she could and said through tears, “Never leave me.” This was a heartbreaking moment. Her tears soaked my shoulder and mine soaked hers. I didn’t ever want to leave her either. Her and I had a special connection that everyone around us saw and for me to leave that meant a slight tinge of heartbreak. I continued to hold her but also reminded her that I was not leaving for quite some time.

Something was starting to change however and I picked up on it rather expediently. We started growing apart. It could be argued that it was for other people from both parties. I made a new friend that changed my life and she started getting involved with relationships and the like. Prior to these events though we were closer than ever. Can one relationship with somebody really change a connection that strong? Apparently this was the case. I was hurt because how I saw it was that I didn’t matter to her anymore. Like she could not have a boyfriend and a best friend. This was the start of it all.

The more I got involved with my new friend the more upset she got. I was still communicating with both of them an equal amount. She was the one who rarely communicated. She never started conversations and when I did, she ended them rather quickly. Why? There was somebody else. Whoever seemed to be settling in her heart at the time was always the main focus of her attention. I completely understand other people are there but I felt ignored, a feeling I still feel to this day.

Her and I had a rather kiss-and-makeup relationship but that could change the next day. We always fought, made up, and then ended up fighting again. It didn’t seem worth it to keep trying to make it right but she never attempted to. I didn’t want my best friend of two years to just be some insignificant contact in the past. The entire summer before I left I wanted to see her. I wanted to be on good terms with her because heartbreak is that much worse when you leave somebody angry. I would set up a time we could be together but they never seemed to work out. She was always busy or so she had me believe. She would ignore the fact I wanted to bond with her and make plans with other friends. That hurt so much. A knife had entered my back and since then every time I talked to her, it plunged a little further in. I was getting frustrated with dealing with this every moment. I was not in a good place either. I was dealing with some personal issues and was not exactly in the right mind to handle other outside problems so I simply let it escape my mind for the time being.

I couldn’t do it. This girl was everything to me. The girl I took to Junior Prom. The girl who had saved my life more times than I can count. The girl who gave me hugs that were warm and made me smile. I could not just let her walk out without a fight. I wanted to speak with her, let her know how I felt. We did just that. I picked her up and took her to the park by her house. We started right away. Where the conversation kept turning was what pains me. The topic was always directed to how terrible of a person I was. I understood her arguments but she appeared to not comprehend mine. I will agree, we were both at wrong here but I at least had the courage to admit my mistakes. She did no such thing. That’s when she said it. “No, not anymore.” Right then and there was when I knew our friendship would never be the same. I sat there in silence and could not even find the appropriate words to speak. “Ok” was the best I could come up with. I just said ‘ok’ and continued to stare at the floor because I could not make eye contact with her.

Some time passed before more words were spoken. “ I have to go home” was all that she said. I stared off in silence again and finally stood up and walked to my car, still avoiding looking at her. We pulled up and she stepped out of my car. “I never said that I didn’t care” she said as she slammed my door. Well, this was not true. She looked me in the eye and told me she didn’t care. How could I forget a moment like that? That was the longest car ride home.

A few days had passed and I was still feeling emptier than ever. My other best friend ran up and gave me a hug when I went to visit the marching band for the last time. She gave me a look that said it all. It was the look that said ‘I guess I will give you a hug’ so she did. She apologized to me, which I accepted but didn’t quite believe in all honesty. I had a feeling it had to do with me leaving and she also didn’t want to leave on bad terms.

The last time I saw her did not quite go as I had planned. This was probably due to the fact that we just barely made up and there were still hard feelings there. No tears were shed. She embraced me for a shorter amount of time than I had predicted and no real words were spoken. It felt strange. It was kind of like I was just saying goodbye for a day, not for several months.

We continued to talk while I was in college but not as much. I usually had to get a hold of her first or she had to be reminded that I was here somehow. That empty feeling still persists and I am not really sure how to fill that void. She doesn’t care anymore. At least, not the way she used to.

So this sucks...

I am basically just seeing who actually reads these things. Send me a text that says "i read it" just so I know who I am appealing to, if anybody.

This is the first of many...

So... Where to begin?? Um... I feel so insignificant right now. It is unbelievable. I am in an entirely new location and it's kinda difficult to make new friends because I am just so opposite of what people here stand for. I have a few people I can hang out with I guess but I still think I am short on friends. This is one of the more difficult times in my life. And for those of you who know me very well... that's saying quite a lot. I always seem to bounce back from my problems though, with the help of friends. Well what about when I feel like my friends aren't there anymore. I know I left all of you behind but no matter where I am physically, I am not far spiritually. But I still feel alone... like no one really cares anymore... and it hurts. Where did everybody go? Now some of you have already told me, "Well you left us...", and that may be true, but we all know I needed it. I needed a fresh start. I was never truly happy back home. I had problems with my health, I had numerous suicide attempts, I was not always there mentally. I just needed to escape my demons and find solace in a new location. Well so far I feel like I have definitely matured a lot in the last few weeks. I am out on my own. Doing stuff for myself. Not being told what to do. I am taking initiative and I am aware that's a positive step forward for Stephen. But what draws me back is my lack of strength. Side note: I chose not to go to class on 9/11. My mom would never let me do that before but it is my decision whether to go or not. I had my reasons though. I took the day off for the soldiers I know who have been lost in battle. I know quite a few and my heart hurts thinking about it still. I got a call from my dad and he told me PFC Jesse Albrecht had been killed in battle. I cried. This man taught me how to snowboard. He taught me how to play golf the right way (not Happy Gilmore style...). So yeah it was sad and I took the day off for remembrance. So I mean, I get to call the shots now. But still... there is an emptiness. I feel like I am losing contact with a lot of my close friends back home and I don't want that. I have not heard from my best friend in a few days. Like I said, I feel insignificant. I will say something and nobody even cares to acknowledge that I am there at all. I had an "urge" the other day but I stayed strong and tried to fight through it. I have written letters/cards to some people back home. Something tells me I won't get anything back in return... I guess I am just out of these people's lives now. I already feel 'recycled' by a few people and now that I am gone, I feel like trash. I get it. What's the point of being close friends with somebody who is all the way over in Texas? The last day or so I had one of those pondering moments again. Why did it never happen? Why was I never with her? Well yeah, this I suppose could be for two people but whatever. I tried for 8+ months to be with her. I loved her and I treated her like my angel. But she chose to date jerks and we ended up getting in fights over it every time. Well we got in a large fight, one that lasted months. I felt like she was pushing me out of the door already and I hadn't even gone anywhere yet. But that's because there was a boy toy involved. Familiar situation... you can have a crush AND a best friend. But we continued to fight. I didn't want to leave on bad terms so I set up a time we could talk. That didn't go well. I was told I was basically a shit friend and that she didn't want to forgive me. Ok. So I drove home crying and cried for hours. A few days later my other best friend started to fight with me. What the hell was going on? I don't need this right now. But now I am on good terms with both (I think so anyway...) but I still feel so distanced from them. From everybody. I no longer have that shoulder to cry on or someone to just hold when I need it and it is so hard. This is the first time I haven't been able to call my buddy up and have him drive over. This is the first time I haven't been able to walk to the park and meet her to talk and cry. This is the first time I haven't been able to bring her PB & J sandwiches because she was hungry and I needed the company. This is the first time I haven't been able to talk to her on the phone and have her save my life. This is the first time I have truly been without anybody to physically face to face help me out. This is the first time I have not been myself. Like I mentioned earlier, I needed that fresh start. I am no longer that emo kid. I am not playing games anymore. I am just an average kid who writes music, poems, stories and likes to watch movies with superheroes AND can enjoy a musical or romantic comedy too. "I am not ashamed of who I am, I am ashamed of who I was." Stephen Roy. Yes, I quoted myself. I need help getting through these next few months. Yes, Independently I can live physically but I am dead inside. So please... I just need some help.