This is the first of many...

So... Where to begin?? Um... I feel so insignificant right now. It is unbelievable. I am in an entirely new location and it's kinda difficult to make new friends because I am just so opposite of what people here stand for. I have a few people I can hang out with I guess but I still think I am short on friends. This is one of the more difficult times in my life. And for those of you who know me very well... that's saying quite a lot. I always seem to bounce back from my problems though, with the help of friends. Well what about when I feel like my friends aren't there anymore. I know I left all of you behind but no matter where I am physically, I am not far spiritually. But I still feel alone... like no one really cares anymore... and it hurts. Where did everybody go? Now some of you have already told me, "Well you left us...", and that may be true, but we all know I needed it. I needed a fresh start. I was never truly happy back home. I had problems with my health, I had numerous suicide attempts, I was not always there mentally. I just needed to escape my demons and find solace in a new location. Well so far I feel like I have definitely matured a lot in the last few weeks. I am out on my own. Doing stuff for myself. Not being told what to do. I am taking initiative and I am aware that's a positive step forward for Stephen. But what draws me back is my lack of strength. Side note: I chose not to go to class on 9/11. My mom would never let me do that before but it is my decision whether to go or not. I had my reasons though. I took the day off for the soldiers I know who have been lost in battle. I know quite a few and my heart hurts thinking about it still. I got a call from my dad and he told me PFC Jesse Albrecht had been killed in battle. I cried. This man taught me how to snowboard. He taught me how to play golf the right way (not Happy Gilmore style...). So yeah it was sad and I took the day off for remembrance. So I mean, I get to call the shots now. But still... there is an emptiness. I feel like I am losing contact with a lot of my close friends back home and I don't want that. I have not heard from my best friend in a few days. Like I said, I feel insignificant. I will say something and nobody even cares to acknowledge that I am there at all. I had an "urge" the other day but I stayed strong and tried to fight through it. I have written letters/cards to some people back home. Something tells me I won't get anything back in return... I guess I am just out of these people's lives now. I already feel 'recycled' by a few people and now that I am gone, I feel like trash. I get it. What's the point of being close friends with somebody who is all the way over in Texas? The last day or so I had one of those pondering moments again. Why did it never happen? Why was I never with her? Well yeah, this I suppose could be for two people but whatever. I tried for 8+ months to be with her. I loved her and I treated her like my angel. But she chose to date jerks and we ended up getting in fights over it every time. Well we got in a large fight, one that lasted months. I felt like she was pushing me out of the door already and I hadn't even gone anywhere yet. But that's because there was a boy toy involved. Familiar situation... you can have a crush AND a best friend. But we continued to fight. I didn't want to leave on bad terms so I set up a time we could talk. That didn't go well. I was told I was basically a shit friend and that she didn't want to forgive me. Ok. So I drove home crying and cried for hours. A few days later my other best friend started to fight with me. What the hell was going on? I don't need this right now. But now I am on good terms with both (I think so anyway...) but I still feel so distanced from them. From everybody. I no longer have that shoulder to cry on or someone to just hold when I need it and it is so hard. This is the first time I haven't been able to call my buddy up and have him drive over. This is the first time I haven't been able to walk to the park and meet her to talk and cry. This is the first time I haven't been able to bring her PB & J sandwiches because she was hungry and I needed the company. This is the first time I haven't been able to talk to her on the phone and have her save my life. This is the first time I have truly been without anybody to physically face to face help me out. This is the first time I have not been myself. Like I mentioned earlier, I needed that fresh start. I am no longer that emo kid. I am not playing games anymore. I am just an average kid who writes music, poems, stories and likes to watch movies with superheroes AND can enjoy a musical or romantic comedy too. "I am not ashamed of who I am, I am ashamed of who I was." Stephen Roy. Yes, I quoted myself. I need help getting through these next few months. Yes, Independently I can live physically but I am dead inside. So please... I just need some help.