Tuesday, August 10, 2010
So here's what's going on..
Ok, I am going to start flat out by admitting that I can be a jerk sometimes. That being said, other people can be jerks too. I know I am fat, I know I am unhealthy, I know I complain, but you know what? I am also more successful than most of the people who criticize me. I have achieved quite a bit. Yes, I know you guys have jobs or whatever but that doesn't make you better than me. At all. Because I am still in school aiming for a career to do something that's important to me. I have a piece of music published at UNT. I have dozens of songs written and ready to be recorded. I am musically talented. I write in my free time and hopefully something worthy of all my time will be published of that as well. I am sick of hearing that my life is not together because in reality, it's probably more together than most of the people trashing me all the fucking time. I have actually decided on a career and don't change it based on whatever TV show is popular at the time (maybe I could be a Real Housewife....) and I know that's what some people do. I don't think it's cool of anybody to talk about me behind my back either but I know it happens. If I have a problem with something, you know I will say it. I posted a status a few weeks ago that I probably shouldn't have but in all reality, I am taking advice from Sam. Even though we aren't exactly on good terms right now, I still respect her. Why? Because she knows what she wants to do. She also told me this "i may be a bitch for telling you otherwise, but if i have to be the bitch who gets you thinking about your life and the things you have to do to change...then I will." This is an actual quote from a message she sent me. So if I offended anyone, I am sorry but at the same time I feel you guys could achieve so much more if you actually tried. And that's my problem. I just don't understand the level of what you think is fair and what I think is fair anymore. It's 'ok' for all of you guys to place bets on when you think I am going to quit and move back home but I say one thing and I am an asshole. If you think life is hard now, try it in 5 years when you are on your own with no real job and no education. I have told you guys in the past that I feel it's important to try. Coming from me this all probably sounds like hypocrisy but whatever. Long story short... I lost a lot of friends recently for standing up for what I believe in. Don't like it? Then too bad. I am sick of being pushed around. I hope you all take some of this into consideration although I am almost positive no one will read this besides my mom. Hi mom.
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this is long, i know. bear with me and please read it all, and know that it is completely heartfelt and i am not yelling at you.
ReplyDeletehonestly, words cannot describe what i am feeling right now because of this blog. let me start off with the fact that i am not yelling at you, nor was i yelling at you when i emailed you before. my last emails to you were sincere. i want you to be a healthy and happy person, i was trying to get you to think about life. i know you have though about life, and you're making changes. we can all see that you're making changes. but honestly, these changes aren't making you a better person. you're turning into a bitter person who criticizes people to the point where they can't possibly be friends with you because they're hurting so bad. you don't know how your words affect others even though because of your words you've lost so many good friends who cared about you. the past few months we stopped talking, but i never stopped caring about you, that should be obvious in the emails i sent you. i was trying to help you. i was trying to get you to think. you read everything i was saying as cold as nasty and you didn't get out of it what i truly wanted you to get out of it. i decided to be honest with you because none of your friends were doing that for you and that's what a true friend does. now you're deciding to be honest with people. but, you're making statements that are so cut throat and that come out of nowhere. danielle never did anything to you to deserve the words you've said to her. no one is perfect, but she's doing so much with her life right now. she's a realtor with a real job. she started her own business doing something she loves doing and has loved doing her entire life, not just after watched a reality show about it. and danielle is 19. most people don't know what they want to do at 19, and she still doesn't, but she's making so much progress in her life and she absolutely doesn't deserve you coming out of nowhere and saying that she of all people isn't doing anything with her life. and you have no right to tell her she has a fat mouth. she's absolutely gorgeous and is absolutely not fat. we all know that you know what you want to do with you're life, and honestly that's great. most people don't at 19.
i am sad that i inspired a blog that is filled with so much hate and negativity. i told you that i couldn't be friends with you because you're so negative and i'm trying to bring positive things into my life. and you know what? i'm happy. has been being so negative made you happy? because this blog doesn't sound happy. it sounds like someone who has been so hateful towards others that you've lost most of your friends.
ReplyDeletei've been trying to see things from the other side. i know you're hurting too. i know we've said things that have hurt you. but most of them weren't meant to hurt you. it's sad because so many people try to help you and you always shoot everyone down, reject our advice and do what you want to do anyways. and please, remember that i'm not yelling at you. i'm trying to speak from the heart. i can't believe it's come to this. you've lost your friends, and not only that, you've lost their respect. you need to understand that it wasn't us pushing you away, but you pushing us away. i know you probably aren't thinking that, but i was trying so hard at the beginning of the summer to be friends with you. i didn't comment on things i normally would have, i was the only who didn't care about your hair and didn't mind being seen with you, i tried to be nice. and i know i am partially at fault for that one night when things got out of hand between us, but i apologized to you and you know that. you chose not to hear was i was saying and to realize i was just trying to help you, whether it took me being a bitch or not.
i've tried to be mature about this. i haven't said anything on facebook or twitter about you. i haven't attacked you. i haven't said anything to you. you've attacked me and my best friends on both facebook and twitter and i said nothing. and you think you're the mature one? i put myself above this. above the fighting, above the drama, above the immaturity. i'm not attacking you right now, but i feel like something needs to be done. you've called me a bitch, you've said fuck you, and you've declared to all of facebook and twitter that i inspired such a horrible blog from you. i don't deserve any of the credit that you're giving me because i was trying to help you. please don't blame me for trying to be a good friend to you when all you've been to me is a horrible friend. you've yelled at me, you've publicly attacked me. i don't deserve that.
ReplyDeleteif i can remember correctly, i did push you away a little bit. during winter break you were coming on a bit too strong for me and too be honest, i didn't know how to tell you that it made me uncomfortable. i'm sorry i didn't just tell you from the start. but after that you completely started pushing me out of your life.
i want the best for you. most of us do. but at some point your friendship with everyone became all about you. it got to the point where none of us could talk about anything else if you were there because all you could do was complain about your life. that what your twitter and facebook became about. everything was so negative all the time that people stopped commenting, because no one knew what to say, and no one wanted to get involved.
i appreciate your respect, but you're wrong about everyone else. you're wrong about dan. you're wrong about trey. you're wrong about randy. when's the last time i criticized you? i tried to help you, and so did everyone else.
this is getting long, but i want you to know that i'm not yelling any of this at you. but as much as we don't know your life, you don't know ours. please think about your life and take everything i have said to heart. i understand that attention is important, but really think about what kind of attention you want to receive from people. do you want attention so badly that you'll settle for anything? even negative attention? please understand that we all want the best for you, but there comes a point when it becomes too much to handle for the people around you.
my advice: find a therapist. if your insurance doesn't cover it, talk to my mom. she'll help you and she won't judge you. talk to your uncle, i know he cares about you and wants to see you happy. he says all the time that he wishes you would just talk to him and open up.
don't be afraid to tell people the truth, but tell the truth about you. what's really going on in your brain? what are you really afraid of? why won't you step out of your comfort zone of negativity so that you can finally just be happy.
let me tell you, letting go of big things like that and really opening up feels so amazing. of course it's hard, but in the end it's completely worth it. you don't have to open up to everyone, but a few people will make such a big difference in your life.
let people in. truly, just let them in.
EliminatingEmotionalEating.com this is my mom's website. she deals with more than just eating, she deals with real issues. she won't tell me anything if you choose to talk to her, everything is confidential.