Countdown to possibly the worse birthday ever.

I have a bad feeling about tomorrow. I really do. This weekend has been one of the worst in my life by far. Let me explain... Friday morning. Doctor appointment 2 miles away. My heart is still not fully recovered so it took me like an hour to get there. There are no sidewalks on the way there, just little neighborhood streets. So I was walking with my heel practically against the curb and walking against traffic, like you're supposed to. Some impatient asshole tried to pass the car he was driving behind and came into the lane I was walking in and clipped me with his mirror going close to 10 mph. Great, fucked up shoulder. He kept driving... I just sat on the curb for a few minutes to regain myself. Shit right?? Oh well so I got to the doctor and started having my normal anxiety because the doctor NEVER has good news for me. NEVER. Turns out my recent heart attack fiasco was what she called "the start of chain reactions." I asked her to explain what she meant. She told me that this is going to happen frequently. One organ is going to go berserk and all the others are gonna go to hell with it. It will kill me. She read me the results of my latest blood tests and my Liver Albumin was 87 (the "normal" range is 15-45) and my Kidney's Creatinine was 1.7% (average should be .7 to 1.1 %) so these numbers are too high and WILL be the cause of cancer in the liver and kidneys within the next three years. Too late to fix that. I held myself together until I left the office and cried practically the whole way home. Just about every car that drove by I wanted to jump in front of but I held myself together just a little longer. Ate some lunch and went to sleep. Saturday I woke up and went to the restroom and went back to bed for a few more hours. Did some stuff in the afternoon but not too much. Was watching TV in my bed and I guess I fell asleep. I woke up sometime later on the floor. I knocked myself out rolling out of bed and hit my head on my desk. So I have had a headache since then and here is the kicker: I can't take Tylenol or Motrin because they are just gonna screw up my organs more. Sunday started off decent. Just woke up had some food and was just taking it easy in my room. Study session with Sarah for a few hours. Walked to the library and got rained out. The usual stuff. I attended a Men's Meeting which was going ok until Tanner got up and asked if anyone in the room was gay. Nobody answered and then this giant gay-bashing session started. I tried to close the subject and was getting agitated but they kept saying very hurtful things and started attacking me. I have not been this angry in a long time. It's been a very rough weekend and my birthday is in a little over ten minutes. It is going to suck, I can already tell. Well good night everybody. Hope your weekend was better than mine.

Friends.

I am going crazy. No joke. Not hahaha I am going crazy!!! Like severely insane. Why? My mind is playing so many games with me. Mental disorders are a bitch. Enough said. But the thing that bothers me the most is that the closer I get to coming home, the more homesick I get. It's really ridiculous. I had been ok yeah I miss you guys but it started hitting hard recently. Why? My heart is also playing games. I love you all and am looking forward to seeing you but I feel maybe this is happening because I don't get to see you guys for that long and then I am back here for three weeks. Not too bad but still... too long without my friends. This could turn out to be the worst birthday ever. I get to come home and see you for a few hours and then I don't get to see your faces for close to a month. Not the greatest present. It's like I get to rip a small corner of the wrapping paper off but it is not enough to fulfill my needs. Do you know what I am talking about? I don't... I just want to come and have a good birthday (or try) but I don't see that happening. Oh well... 19 is supposed to be a disappointing age. I just miss everybody back home severely. I miss Aly's laughter and her hugs and kisses. I miss being made fun of when we are in a group. I miss how the conversations always get awkward when Alex talks. I miss how Danielle is mean to me but is also being nice at the same time somehow. I miss how Trey is always the joke teller and nine times out of ten they involve me or Alex and animals. I miss Hunter, that crazy ass mutha fucker. I miss my Lala and our painting parties and watching movies. I miss Paige even though we have not had much interaction in person but she is a great person. I miss everything and everyone. Part of me wants to move back after this year but I can't. I am here to prove myself. Be successful. Get away from my demons. I still have not successfully done that but I am trying to find a means to. 18 days until I return home. Can you guys help me make the best of it? I am going to need help. I love all of you. Seriously I do. With all my heart. Without you guys I would be dead. Whether you know it or not. Moments of weakness often strike but trust me I carry around a piece of all of you to make me stronger and I am blessed to have you guys in my life. Can't wait to see you all.

Does anybody still read these????

One week ago today was the closest I have come to dying. Had I arrived a few minutes later I could have lost a severe amount of oxygen (I had lost enough already) and potentially could have died. I am not writing this blog to complain as usual. I am feeling rather optimistic after such an occurrence. As most of you know I am a troubled person. I have had thoughts of killing myself and have attempted a few time. But I am still here... For how long who knows? Wednesday I had a heart attack, an episode of DKA, and severe dehydration. My liver and kidney functions from the blood tests showed higher than they should be. While my years are lowered in number I still feel rather happy. I mean sure I am upset that I won't live to be 30 at best but the nearer future is what is keeping me happy. My 19th birthday is in a little less than two weeks. I am coming home for Thanksgiving and get to see my wonderful family and friends. Than three more weeks of school and I am back home again for Christmas. Those three weeks will be ridiculously stressful having to deal with Finals and all that shit but that's college. My college workload is rather miniscule this semester. I rarely have homework and just a few scattered tests. But I am keeping good grades and keeping busy with my other side projects. I have my musical that is coming along slowly but it's coming together. I have potentially three albums I am working on right now. A solo guitar album, A solo metal album, and then I am working on an album with Paige for fun that will be recorded in the summer. I love writing so much. Oh that reminds me, I am working on a small autobiography. It may sound gruesome but I don't want it to be published until after I passed. It is my life as I can remember it from birth to death. But I think it's good to look back on all the good things in my life as well as the bad. So I started seeing my therapist finally. Was supposed to have a one hour session but it ran two hours. We had a lot to talk about. I won't spare details but I ended up crying quite a few times. Basically what it boiled down to was that I was suffering because the only thing keeping me alive is an unhealthy number of medications. Yeah, it is very true. I need a pill to help me sleep. I need a pill to keep me somewhat happy. I need a pill that acts as a "chemical straight-jacket." I need a pill to lower my cholesterol. I need a pill to keep my blood pressure down. I need a pill to keep my kidneys from killing me slowly. I need a pill to do the same with my liver. I need a pill to keep my diabetes in order. I need 3 shots to keep my blood sugars in check. Can you imagine all the side effects from these?? Some of them are just beyond terrible and leave me catatonic (medical word for out of it..) But I mean if they are keeping me alive I don't really have a choice do I? I just want to get back home to see my friends and family. I have some great friends here I finally realized but they still don't hold a candle to the ones back home. Well it's after midnight so now the count is 20 days. I can't wait to see you all. Much love, Stephen Roy