Does anybody still read these????

One week ago today was the closest I have come to dying. Had I arrived a few minutes later I could have lost a severe amount of oxygen (I had lost enough already) and potentially could have died. I am not writing this blog to complain as usual. I am feeling rather optimistic after such an occurrence. As most of you know I am a troubled person. I have had thoughts of killing myself and have attempted a few time. But I am still here... For how long who knows? Wednesday I had a heart attack, an episode of DKA, and severe dehydration. My liver and kidney functions from the blood tests showed higher than they should be. While my years are lowered in number I still feel rather happy. I mean sure I am upset that I won't live to be 30 at best but the nearer future is what is keeping me happy. My 19th birthday is in a little less than two weeks. I am coming home for Thanksgiving and get to see my wonderful family and friends. Than three more weeks of school and I am back home again for Christmas. Those three weeks will be ridiculously stressful having to deal with Finals and all that shit but that's college. My college workload is rather miniscule this semester. I rarely have homework and just a few scattered tests. But I am keeping good grades and keeping busy with my other side projects. I have my musical that is coming along slowly but it's coming together. I have potentially three albums I am working on right now. A solo guitar album, A solo metal album, and then I am working on an album with Paige for fun that will be recorded in the summer. I love writing so much. Oh that reminds me, I am working on a small autobiography. It may sound gruesome but I don't want it to be published until after I passed. It is my life as I can remember it from birth to death. But I think it's good to look back on all the good things in my life as well as the bad. So I started seeing my therapist finally. Was supposed to have a one hour session but it ran two hours. We had a lot to talk about. I won't spare details but I ended up crying quite a few times. Basically what it boiled down to was that I was suffering because the only thing keeping me alive is an unhealthy number of medications. Yeah, it is very true. I need a pill to help me sleep. I need a pill to keep me somewhat happy. I need a pill that acts as a "chemical straight-jacket." I need a pill to lower my cholesterol. I need a pill to keep my blood pressure down. I need a pill to keep my kidneys from killing me slowly. I need a pill to do the same with my liver. I need a pill to keep my diabetes in order. I need 3 shots to keep my blood sugars in check. Can you imagine all the side effects from these?? Some of them are just beyond terrible and leave me catatonic (medical word for out of it..) But I mean if they are keeping me alive I don't really have a choice do I? I just want to get back home to see my friends and family. I have some great friends here I finally realized but they still don't hold a candle to the ones back home. Well it's after midnight so now the count is 20 days. I can't wait to see you all. Much love, Stephen Roy