Why must the good die young?

This is a question I often ask myself. But when people say "young" that can mean up to like 50 years old because their definition of young is basically anytime before their life expectancy. It's hard to explain but it makes sense to me. I am afraid to die young but unfortunately this is the only ending for me. I know it sounds morbid but trust me I am scared out of my mind with all the recent happenings. Two weeks ago I was dealing with a cancer scare, which is not yet over because I still am at high risk to develop it in the next two or three years. On Wednesday I went into the Emergency Room because I was showing all symptoms of a heart attack. Turns out, that's what it was. Me. 18 years old. And I had a heart attack. Another nail put into my coffin. How many more until it is nailed shut? I am guessing not much more... The heart attack triggered an episode of DKA (Diabetic KetoAcidosis, which is what I was in the hospital for in July..) and in an attempt to flush out the excess sugar my kidneys over compensated and dehydrated me. I was lucky enough to have my friend Ian drive me to the hospital and in great time. The doctor said had I arrived any later I could have lost oxygen and blood cells and potentially could have died. I have come close to dying many times but this is probably the closest I have been. I could have died. I SHOULD have died. I had three potentially life threatening incidents happen to me all at once. It's hard to explain how I am still alive after all I have been through. I don't believe in God but something is definitely preventing me from dying. Not quite sure what that could be. But this is how it's gonna happen... My body is going to shut down on me just like Wednesday but next time I won't be so lucky. I spent several hours crying because I sat there alone. I had never been alone in a hospital before. My mom was not sitting there by my side. My friends were not there with me except the guys came to visit for 5 minutes. I just cried because this is how I am gonna die. I have come to accept that. Unless I get shot or something my body is just gonna decide it's had enough and stop. I live every day wondering when that is going to be because whether I believe it or not, it's gonna be soon. So I am finally out of the hospital. But I just have to resume that constant fear and that constant suffering. The only way I am not dead is because I am on 9 prescription drugs. Most are to keep my organs functioning and the rest are basically to stop me from killing myself. I have become dependent on these drugs to keep me living. This is how old people live, popping a dozen pills at every meal to keep themselves alive. I see this only as a way of prolonging the inevitable release of death. I am suffering and no body is here to help me or hold me. I just want to stop suffering and I need to figure out a way to do it without killing myself. I am not gonna give myself that satisfaction. I just don't know what to do...

from the hospital...

i am typing this from an emergency room bed with one hand because my left arm has been incapacitated due to numbness and an iv. my heart rate was at 150 when i got here and it is still about 120-130. i am hooked up to numerous machines and stuff. my chest hurts. my mouth is so dry. my arm is numb. i am having trouble breathing even though i'm on an oxygen machine. but worst of all.... i have to pee

OK, so here is the deal:

I went to a psychiatrist yesterday and talked to him for close to two hours. I told him EVERYTHING about EVERYONE. Most of the people I mentioned were just like normal problems with him but when I brought up Aly and Jessica he dived a little further in. He asked me to make a list of anything they did to hurt me. Both lists were quite long and he asked me if they were really my friends. "They used to be..." He went on to say that people who are true friends actually give two shits about the life of their best friend. He asked if there was any specific things that were said that still hurt to remember. Yeah, I had a few...

Aly: "You kissed ME. Did you actually think I was going to get together with you after that?"

That for some reason still just hurts to remember that whole incident.

Me: Do you even care that I am leaving?

Jessica: No, not anymore

You just don't say that to someone unless you are a jerk

Niko: Yeah, I made out with that bitch, what was her name? Jessica I think?

Oh god that pissed me off so much... at both of them

Colonel Dubuy: You are gonna end up at CGCC and not make it anywhere. I can guarantee you will not last at UNT for more than a semester.

Way to inspire your students...

So he just advised me not to communicate with any of these people. Well that kinda already happened.

We continued to talk about my sleeping patterns and I told him I was having trouble sleeping in all stages i.e., had trouble falling asleep, kept waking up, and woke up before I needed to.

He asked me if I hallucinate when I don't get sleep. Yeah, I do sometimes but that is only with mirrors. So he asked me if I was afraid of mirrors and I told him yeah, because I was afraid of talking to myself and hearing the voices again.

"What voices?"

"He tells me to kill myself, that I am no good."

"Well, then you probably have Eisoptrophobia and mild schizophrenia."

So what does he do? Throws some drugs at me. Anti-psychotic drugs. Cool

For my depression, Anti-depressants

Sleeping sedatives, and these fuckers erase my memory while I am sleeping so I don't have

nightmares or visions while I sleep.

On top of the other 5 or 6 medications I take, I now have all these....

This is bad. I have become dependent on drugs to live and function normally.

We talked for a while about my fear of dying from health related complications. He told me I

was probably just being a hypochondriac until he pulled up my medical file. He had me

explain how I felt about all these problems and I told him I was scared. I was very upset that

my life could end here in the next few years. I wanted to have a wife and children and that

might not happen. As much as he thinks these drugs will help for the short term, the long

term stuff still makes me cry, makes me sick to my stomach, makes me want to do

everything in my power. Well it's too late... I just have to accept that I don't have as much

time as I thought. He then advised me to see a counselor every two or three weeks.

I guess I am more of a problem than I thought.....

A Dream Interpreted

OK I normally don't do this kind of thing so bare with me... I had my first dream in a while and there were so many events and stuff that were pertaining to my life as of now that I felt I had to figure out what it meant. So here is the dream (what I can remember anyway...) followed by the interpretation from "The Meaning of Your Dreams" by Franklin D. Martini.

Ok, so it started off with me, Alex, Hunter, and Randy in a car driving to a castle where Trey and Danielle were about to get married. We were running late when I received a phone call from Jessica. " We need to talk, where are you?" I told her I was halfway around the world. She said she was gonna come find me because she had news that was that important. I just hung up and we approached the castle. We ran inside where all my friends were there. We sat down to watch the actual marriage ceremony. During the after party, I was talking to Lauren and Twitch and he just started telling me this story about Jessica that sounded awfully familiar. I said, " No, that happened to Aly." and he said "No, it didn't. Just take the story and replace Aly with Jessica. Replace Aly with Jessica. Replace Aly with Jessica...." That statement just kept repeating and echoing through my mind. "Replace Aly with Jessica. Well I was not speaking with Aly anymore and Jessica and I had not spoken in a few months either. This was strange. So I walked outside for a cigarette and Jessica snuck up behind me. "I am pregnant." That was all she said. I started running like hell and she pursued for a while until eventually I found a little ditch to hide in. She still found me and told me it was mine. "How is that possible? I have not even kissed you!" (I don't remember this part) Trey and Danielle came to congratulate me on the kid and walked away. Jessica grabbed my hand and said " Hey, I am not going anywhere. I will always be there, I promise." Aly came out of nowhere and kissed me in front of Jessica. Jessica started crying and I yelled at Aly and ripped off the dogtags she made me and threw them in a river. Aly disappeared and Jessica came up and hugged me and didn't let go. That is how it ended...

Yeah, it's a strange dream but I thought there was something to it. Some kind of sign that something needs to be made right and from what it sounds like is that my subconscious just wanted to leave Aly out of it but try to reconcile with Jessica. I have no idea, let's take a look...

Marriage:

To dream of a wedding can signify a sort of union, whether it be with the one you love, or a reunion of sorts. (Reunite with a close friend?)

Car:

To dream of cars, always refers to journeys and many changes in your life. ( Moving to college)

Friends:

To dream of friends denotes that you will soon see them and have an enjoyable time. (My visit back home in a month)

Late:

To dream of achieving something or arriving late possibly means that you feel it is too late to make something right (It's been two months since we have talked...)

Replace:

To replace something in a dream with another means that this is your subconscious telling you to reconsider in real life. (Maybe Jessica needs to fill the void Aly left?)

Cigarette:

To dream of smoking a cigarette possibly signifies a stressful decision that will be made in the close future (Whether or not I should reconcile)

Pregnancy: For a virgin to depict pregnancy is a warning that a union is in possible danger (If I try and make things right it could end up hurting more)

Running:

To dream of running fast is an excellent omen. Your plans will materialize quickly and decisions will be made easier (This one is kind of inaccurate I believe)

Hands:

To dream of holding hands with someone insists that you have a special comfort with that person whether you believe so or not (She was my best friend)

Promise:

If a promise was made in your dream then it is likely that promise has already been broken in real life and you wish it hadn't (Yeah, the forever thing went to hell but I miss it)

Kiss:

To dream you are being kissed by someone you are trying to avoid, means that they once had a large hold on your life and you want to change that but can not get rid of them ( I am avoiding Aly and yeah she had a huge hold on my life but I think I managed to get rid of her for the most part)

Crying:

To dream of a close friend crying signifies that a mistake was made on your part but if they are crying over the action of someone other than you then a mistake was made from both parties. (We both fucked up)

Gift:

To dream that you destroy a gift once given by someone you cared about is a sign that you are truly done with this person. (I threw the dogtags in the river and I am done with her)

Hug:

To dream about an extended hug with someone you admire denotes an emptiness without them and is a sign that you want them back (Yeah...)

Ok, well that was all there was in the manual. Um... wow. A lot of that is rather accurate. Kinda scary. HOLY SHIT MY SUBCONSCIOUS IS A GENIUS!!

I have a bad feeling

I need help. Serious help. My suicidal thoughts are higher than ever before. I find out on Friday how fucked my body is. I am scared. I am hurt. I am depressed. I feel like a nobody. Who am I anymore?

I copied this from Danielle (thanks love)

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People:

10. You make me want to kill myself, I wish you knew that

9. I miss you so much and I can't wait to see you when I come back. Love you babe MUAH!!

8. Dude, I know you are just trying to help but you have to realize I am from a different place with different people and different style so please just back off a bit.

7. Thanks for always being there, even though we are not just down the street anymore

6. Girl I love you and all and I am here for you but I am trying to stay out of high school

5. Thanks for being the person who always responds to concerning messages. I appreciate you looking out for me man

4. I love you and kinda wish we had grown closer before I left but I feel like we didn't start off on the best foot.

3. You fucking lied to me and you deserve to go to hell

2. You are a great person and I love you but why do you always take her side? Can't you see the wrong?

1. You are a lucky guy but I hate you for destroying a friendship

Nine things about myself: 9.I have so much I need to accomplish before my short life comes to a stop. 8. I have at least 5 suicidal thoughts a day but I don't act on them 7. How? I have a special method involving a gift from a loved one 6. I care about my brother more than I thought. I cried over him for at least two hours yesterday 5. I feel like I am losing my musical touch because I no longer have positive inspiration 4. I still wish she was mine 3. I am having a good time I guess but I don't get along with a lot of people here 2. I like to be alone more often than not. I'm not anti-social I just need to be alone or I am gonna end up hurting somebody or myself 1. I wish some things didn't end the way they did

Eight ways to win my heart in relationships: 8. Cuddle with me 7. Don't make me change who I am ever 6. Don't change yourself 5. Be honest with me, I appreciate honesty even if its a hurtful comment 4. Trust is a must 3. Hold me and never let go

2. If I kiss you on the cheek or forehead do it back, I love it 1. Test to see how much my heart rate goes up when you kiss me, I think it's hysterical

Seven things that cross my mind a lot: 7. How I am not home 6. How much I want to die sometimes 5. How much I miss everybody 4. My real friends 3. Thinking about who to date 2. Why I am a loser 1. SUPERHEROES

Six things I do before I fall asleep: 6. Piss 5. Change into more comfy clothing 4. Wash my face 3. Text or call to say goodnight to the bestie 2. Fill up my water bottle 1. Set my alarm

Five people who mean a lot: 5. Aly 4. Paige 3. Trey 2. Danielle 1. Alex

Four things you’re wearing right now: 4. Gym shorts 3. Incredible Hulk tshirt 2. Socks 1. Boxers

Three songs that you listen to often: 3. Why Can't This Be Love?-Van Halen 2. Killers- Iron Maiden 1. Something- Escape the Fate

Two things you want to do before you die: 2. Get my musical/play published 1. Sell an album for real

One Confession: 1. I stare death in the face rather often whether its on my own accord or not but I still do not fear him

"Heartache" Written August 30, 2009

I looked into her eyes and asked her, “Do you even care that I am leaving?” She contemplated for no longer than three seconds and uttered, “No, not anymore.” That was the moment in time I could pinpoint as the end of our true friendship. Those words stung and I just sat there and soaked them in. I was in shock but somehow still knew what her response would be. I could not even begin to think what to say to that… I had to think about all the circumstances.

Nearly two years of my life seemed irrelevant now. My best friend looked me in the eyes and told me she doesn’t care anymore. Keep in mind this is the same girl who a few months ago embraced me as tightly as she could and said through tears, “Never leave me.” This was a heartbreaking moment. Her tears soaked my shoulder and mine soaked hers. I didn’t ever want to leave her either. Her and I had a special connection that everyone around us saw and for me to leave that meant a slight tinge of heartbreak. I continued to hold her but also reminded her that I was not leaving for quite some time.

Something was starting to change however and I picked up on it rather expediently. We started growing apart. It could be argued that it was for other people from both parties. I made a new friend that changed my life and she started getting involved with relationships and the like. Prior to these events though we were closer than ever. Can one relationship with somebody really change a connection that strong? Apparently this was the case. I was hurt because how I saw it was that I didn’t matter to her anymore. Like she could not have a boyfriend and a best friend. This was the start of it all.

The more I got involved with my new friend the more upset she got. I was still communicating with both of them an equal amount. She was the one who rarely communicated. She never started conversations and when I did, she ended them rather quickly. Why? There was somebody else. Whoever seemed to be settling in her heart at the time was always the main focus of her attention. I completely understand other people are there but I felt ignored, a feeling I still feel to this day.

Her and I had a rather kiss-and-makeup relationship but that could change the next day. We always fought, made up, and then ended up fighting again. It didn’t seem worth it to keep trying to make it right but she never attempted to. I didn’t want my best friend of two years to just be some insignificant contact in the past. The entire summer before I left I wanted to see her. I wanted to be on good terms with her because heartbreak is that much worse when you leave somebody angry. I would set up a time we could be together but they never seemed to work out. She was always busy or so she had me believe. She would ignore the fact I wanted to bond with her and make plans with other friends. That hurt so much. A knife had entered my back and since then every time I talked to her, it plunged a little further in. I was getting frustrated with dealing with this every moment. I was not in a good place either. I was dealing with some personal issues and was not exactly in the right mind to handle other outside problems so I simply let it escape my mind for the time being.

I couldn’t do it. This girl was everything to me. The girl I took to Junior Prom. The girl who had saved my life more times than I can count. The girl who gave me hugs that were warm and made me smile. I could not just let her walk out without a fight. I wanted to speak with her, let her know how I felt. We did just that. I picked her up and took her to the park by her house. We started right away. Where the conversation kept turning was what pains me. The topic was always directed to how terrible of a person I was. I understood her arguments but she appeared to not comprehend mine. I will agree, we were both at wrong here but I at least had the courage to admit my mistakes. She did no such thing. That’s when she said it. “No, not anymore.” Right then and there was when I knew our friendship would never be the same. I sat there in silence and could not even find the appropriate words to speak. “Ok” was the best I could come up with. I just said ‘ok’ and continued to stare at the floor because I could not make eye contact with her.

Some time passed before more words were spoken. “ I have to go home” was all that she said. I stared off in silence again and finally stood up and walked to my car, still avoiding looking at her. We pulled up and she stepped out of my car. “I never said that I didn’t care” she said as she slammed my door. Well, this was not true. She looked me in the eye and told me she didn’t care. How could I forget a moment like that? That was the longest car ride home.

A few days had passed and I was still feeling emptier than ever. My other best friend ran up and gave me a hug when I went to visit the marching band for the last time. She gave me a look that said it all. It was the look that said ‘I guess I will give you a hug’ so she did. She apologized to me, which I accepted but didn’t quite believe in all honesty. I had a feeling it had to do with me leaving and she also didn’t want to leave on bad terms.

The last time I saw her did not quite go as I had planned. This was probably due to the fact that we just barely made up and there were still hard feelings there. No tears were shed. She embraced me for a shorter amount of time than I had predicted and no real words were spoken. It felt strange. It was kind of like I was just saying goodbye for a day, not for several months.

We continued to talk while I was in college but not as much. I usually had to get a hold of her first or she had to be reminded that I was here somehow. That empty feeling still persists and I am not really sure how to fill that void. She doesn’t care anymore. At least, not the way she used to.