So here's what's going on..

Ok, I am going to start flat out by admitting that I can be a jerk sometimes. That being said, other people can be jerks too. I know I am fat, I know I am unhealthy, I know I complain, but you know what? I am also more successful than most of the people who criticize me. I have achieved quite a bit. Yes, I know you guys have jobs or whatever but that doesn't make you better than me. At all. Because I am still in school aiming for a career to do something that's important to me. I have a piece of music published at UNT. I have dozens of songs written and ready to be recorded. I am musically talented. I write in my free time and hopefully something worthy of all my time will be published of that as well. I am sick of hearing that my life is not together because in reality, it's probably more together than most of the people trashing me all the fucking time. I have actually decided on a career and don't change it based on whatever TV show is popular at the time (maybe I could be a Real Housewife....) and I know that's what some people do. I don't think it's cool of anybody to talk about me behind my back either but I know it happens. If I have a problem with something, you know I will say it. I posted a status a few weeks ago that I probably shouldn't have but in all reality, I am taking advice from Sam. Even though we aren't exactly on good terms right now, I still respect her. Why? Because she knows what she wants to do. She also told me this "i may be a bitch for telling you otherwise, but if i have to be the bitch who gets you thinking about your life and the things you have to do to change...then I will." This is an actual quote from a message she sent me. So if I offended anyone, I am sorry but at the same time I feel you guys could achieve so much more if you actually tried. And that's my problem. I just don't understand the level of what you think is fair and what I think is fair anymore. It's 'ok' for all of you guys to place bets on when you think I am going to quit and move back home but I say one thing and I am an asshole. If you think life is hard now, try it in 5 years when you are on your own with no real job and no education. I have told you guys in the past that I feel it's important to try. Coming from me this all probably sounds like hypocrisy but whatever. Long story short... I lost a lot of friends recently for standing up for what I believe in. Don't like it? Then too bad. I am sick of being pushed around. I hope you all take some of this into consideration although I am almost positive no one will read this besides my mom. Hi mom.

Optimism Is The Healthiest Thing I Can Do

OK, so normally my blogs are just whiny bullshit. Not today. I had a very quick transfer to being an optimist. In other words, the half-empty glass filled up pretty quickly. For those of you who don't already know, I was diagnosed with Hepatitis about 5 weeks ago. I find out tomorrow what kind it is and how severe it is. That was a life changing diagnosis. It's not what you are thinking. I didn't contract it sexually or through sharing needles or whatnot. I have auto-immune Hepatitis which means that my body itself gave it to me. Just like my Diabetes. I am a little worried about what the results may be but I am making the best of the situation and finishing up my second and final semester here at UNT. To be honest, I am not gonna miss the school or the state as a whole but will miss my friends here. I love them all. They are not exactly the most supportive because they don't know EVERYTHING wrong with me but they are always there to offer a good laugh, which helps me a lot. My friend Marjorie and I can talk for hours and hours. Lauren, um, well she has an adorable laugh. My roommate Matt is sometimes fun but not always. No offense, man. That being said, I miss all my friends back home and cannot wait to see all of them. I have plenty of stories for all of you! After I take care of some medical business when I get back I want to spend the entire summer with friends and family. I am gonna try and not be alone because a lot of my friends are leaving soon. I am still upset with my choice to come here. I matured a lot and learned to live for myself but at the cost of leaving my friends. I am curious to see peoples reaction to how much I have grown as an adult and an optimist. This is my last week of real class. The week after is dead week in which I only have to attend one English class to turn in a paper. Then it's Finals week and I am home! I am almost completely packed already with the exception of a few things I need until the last day. I am excited to come home and hope you guys are excited to see me. Take care everybody. Thanks for reading.

It's been a while.

"My beds so cold, so lonely. No arms, just sheets to hold me. Has this world stopped turning? Are we forever to be apart?"

Hearts Burst Into Fire- Bullet For My Valentine

Hello there,

It's been too long since I have written a blog. I don't know what to talk about but I felt like I needed to keep people posted on my otherwise eventless life....

To start, since I have been back I have been rather depressed (doesn't help I have not been taken my pills...) I feel rather lonely for one simple reason: I didn't get proper goodbyes from hardly anybody. Plans were made to hang out one last time and I either was not invited (even though I was the night before..) or something came up and I could not see them. So I basically just got up and left to not be seen again until the end of May. But I feel empty... I made amends to some old friendships and some new friendships and guess what? I am still being judged for it. I don't give a fuck if you don't like it. I don't tell you that your friends suck so shut up about mine. I am allowed to have other friends besides you.

Anyway, I have started to sketch/draw in my free time. I am getting better with a little practice. You can see my drawings on Facebook if you haven't already. I want to learn how to paint but Jesus Christ the supplies are fucking expensive. Whatever.

Classes are going well so far. English class is basically the same people as my last semester class. Political Science is actually kind of interesting. It's basically government with a bit of history which I like. Popular Music is my favorite because the instructor is funny. I sit up front so I can stretch out my knee (which still isn't healed btw...) and he picks on me a lot. He asked me if I was gay today and I told him, " I am French-Canadian, I like musicals, and I am a theatre major but I can assure you, sir, I like the ladies and they like me back." My Physics of Sound is rather interesting too because the professor makes it fun. We basically talked about how Chewbacca could not growl in space because sound can not travel in space. Interesting...

Anyway, I have not been myself lately. I can't tell why. I am lonely. I am depressed. I am stressed. I am physically fucked. Ugh..... If you cared enough to read this, sorry it's rather ranty...

Countdown to possibly the worse birthday ever.

I have a bad feeling about tomorrow. I really do. This weekend has been one of the worst in my life by far. Let me explain... Friday morning. Doctor appointment 2 miles away. My heart is still not fully recovered so it took me like an hour to get there. There are no sidewalks on the way there, just little neighborhood streets. So I was walking with my heel practically against the curb and walking against traffic, like you're supposed to. Some impatient asshole tried to pass the car he was driving behind and came into the lane I was walking in and clipped me with his mirror going close to 10 mph. Great, fucked up shoulder. He kept driving... I just sat on the curb for a few minutes to regain myself. Shit right?? Oh well so I got to the doctor and started having my normal anxiety because the doctor NEVER has good news for me. NEVER. Turns out my recent heart attack fiasco was what she called "the start of chain reactions." I asked her to explain what she meant. She told me that this is going to happen frequently. One organ is going to go berserk and all the others are gonna go to hell with it. It will kill me. She read me the results of my latest blood tests and my Liver Albumin was 87 (the "normal" range is 15-45) and my Kidney's Creatinine was 1.7% (average should be .7 to 1.1 %) so these numbers are too high and WILL be the cause of cancer in the liver and kidneys within the next three years. Too late to fix that. I held myself together until I left the office and cried practically the whole way home. Just about every car that drove by I wanted to jump in front of but I held myself together just a little longer. Ate some lunch and went to sleep. Saturday I woke up and went to the restroom and went back to bed for a few more hours. Did some stuff in the afternoon but not too much. Was watching TV in my bed and I guess I fell asleep. I woke up sometime later on the floor. I knocked myself out rolling out of bed and hit my head on my desk. So I have had a headache since then and here is the kicker: I can't take Tylenol or Motrin because they are just gonna screw up my organs more. Sunday started off decent. Just woke up had some food and was just taking it easy in my room. Study session with Sarah for a few hours. Walked to the library and got rained out. The usual stuff. I attended a Men's Meeting which was going ok until Tanner got up and asked if anyone in the room was gay. Nobody answered and then this giant gay-bashing session started. I tried to close the subject and was getting agitated but they kept saying very hurtful things and started attacking me. I have not been this angry in a long time. It's been a very rough weekend and my birthday is in a little over ten minutes. It is going to suck, I can already tell. Well good night everybody. Hope your weekend was better than mine.

Friends.

I am going crazy. No joke. Not hahaha I am going crazy!!! Like severely insane. Why? My mind is playing so many games with me. Mental disorders are a bitch. Enough said. But the thing that bothers me the most is that the closer I get to coming home, the more homesick I get. It's really ridiculous. I had been ok yeah I miss you guys but it started hitting hard recently. Why? My heart is also playing games. I love you all and am looking forward to seeing you but I feel maybe this is happening because I don't get to see you guys for that long and then I am back here for three weeks. Not too bad but still... too long without my friends. This could turn out to be the worst birthday ever. I get to come home and see you for a few hours and then I don't get to see your faces for close to a month. Not the greatest present. It's like I get to rip a small corner of the wrapping paper off but it is not enough to fulfill my needs. Do you know what I am talking about? I don't... I just want to come and have a good birthday (or try) but I don't see that happening. Oh well... 19 is supposed to be a disappointing age. I just miss everybody back home severely. I miss Aly's laughter and her hugs and kisses. I miss being made fun of when we are in a group. I miss how the conversations always get awkward when Alex talks. I miss how Danielle is mean to me but is also being nice at the same time somehow. I miss how Trey is always the joke teller and nine times out of ten they involve me or Alex and animals. I miss Hunter, that crazy ass mutha fucker. I miss my Lala and our painting parties and watching movies. I miss Paige even though we have not had much interaction in person but she is a great person. I miss everything and everyone. Part of me wants to move back after this year but I can't. I am here to prove myself. Be successful. Get away from my demons. I still have not successfully done that but I am trying to find a means to. 18 days until I return home. Can you guys help me make the best of it? I am going to need help. I love all of you. Seriously I do. With all my heart. Without you guys I would be dead. Whether you know it or not. Moments of weakness often strike but trust me I carry around a piece of all of you to make me stronger and I am blessed to have you guys in my life. Can't wait to see you all.

Does anybody still read these????

One week ago today was the closest I have come to dying. Had I arrived a few minutes later I could have lost a severe amount of oxygen (I had lost enough already) and potentially could have died. I am not writing this blog to complain as usual. I am feeling rather optimistic after such an occurrence. As most of you know I am a troubled person. I have had thoughts of killing myself and have attempted a few time. But I am still here... For how long who knows? Wednesday I had a heart attack, an episode of DKA, and severe dehydration. My liver and kidney functions from the blood tests showed higher than they should be. While my years are lowered in number I still feel rather happy. I mean sure I am upset that I won't live to be 30 at best but the nearer future is what is keeping me happy. My 19th birthday is in a little less than two weeks. I am coming home for Thanksgiving and get to see my wonderful family and friends. Than three more weeks of school and I am back home again for Christmas. Those three weeks will be ridiculously stressful having to deal with Finals and all that shit but that's college. My college workload is rather miniscule this semester. I rarely have homework and just a few scattered tests. But I am keeping good grades and keeping busy with my other side projects. I have my musical that is coming along slowly but it's coming together. I have potentially three albums I am working on right now. A solo guitar album, A solo metal album, and then I am working on an album with Paige for fun that will be recorded in the summer. I love writing so much. Oh that reminds me, I am working on a small autobiography. It may sound gruesome but I don't want it to be published until after I passed. It is my life as I can remember it from birth to death. But I think it's good to look back on all the good things in my life as well as the bad. So I started seeing my therapist finally. Was supposed to have a one hour session but it ran two hours. We had a lot to talk about. I won't spare details but I ended up crying quite a few times. Basically what it boiled down to was that I was suffering because the only thing keeping me alive is an unhealthy number of medications. Yeah, it is very true. I need a pill to help me sleep. I need a pill to keep me somewhat happy. I need a pill that acts as a "chemical straight-jacket." I need a pill to lower my cholesterol. I need a pill to keep my blood pressure down. I need a pill to keep my kidneys from killing me slowly. I need a pill to do the same with my liver. I need a pill to keep my diabetes in order. I need 3 shots to keep my blood sugars in check. Can you imagine all the side effects from these?? Some of them are just beyond terrible and leave me catatonic (medical word for out of it..) But I mean if they are keeping me alive I don't really have a choice do I? I just want to get back home to see my friends and family. I have some great friends here I finally realized but they still don't hold a candle to the ones back home. Well it's after midnight so now the count is 20 days. I can't wait to see you all. Much love, Stephen Roy

Why must the good die young?

This is a question I often ask myself. But when people say "young" that can mean up to like 50 years old because their definition of young is basically anytime before their life expectancy. It's hard to explain but it makes sense to me. I am afraid to die young but unfortunately this is the only ending for me. I know it sounds morbid but trust me I am scared out of my mind with all the recent happenings. Two weeks ago I was dealing with a cancer scare, which is not yet over because I still am at high risk to develop it in the next two or three years. On Wednesday I went into the Emergency Room because I was showing all symptoms of a heart attack. Turns out, that's what it was. Me. 18 years old. And I had a heart attack. Another nail put into my coffin. How many more until it is nailed shut? I am guessing not much more... The heart attack triggered an episode of DKA (Diabetic KetoAcidosis, which is what I was in the hospital for in July..) and in an attempt to flush out the excess sugar my kidneys over compensated and dehydrated me. I was lucky enough to have my friend Ian drive me to the hospital and in great time. The doctor said had I arrived any later I could have lost oxygen and blood cells and potentially could have died. I have come close to dying many times but this is probably the closest I have been. I could have died. I SHOULD have died. I had three potentially life threatening incidents happen to me all at once. It's hard to explain how I am still alive after all I have been through. I don't believe in God but something is definitely preventing me from dying. Not quite sure what that could be. But this is how it's gonna happen... My body is going to shut down on me just like Wednesday but next time I won't be so lucky. I spent several hours crying because I sat there alone. I had never been alone in a hospital before. My mom was not sitting there by my side. My friends were not there with me except the guys came to visit for 5 minutes. I just cried because this is how I am gonna die. I have come to accept that. Unless I get shot or something my body is just gonna decide it's had enough and stop. I live every day wondering when that is going to be because whether I believe it or not, it's gonna be soon. So I am finally out of the hospital. But I just have to resume that constant fear and that constant suffering. The only way I am not dead is because I am on 9 prescription drugs. Most are to keep my organs functioning and the rest are basically to stop me from killing myself. I have become dependent on these drugs to keep me living. This is how old people live, popping a dozen pills at every meal to keep themselves alive. I see this only as a way of prolonging the inevitable release of death. I am suffering and no body is here to help me or hold me. I just want to stop suffering and I need to figure out a way to do it without killing myself. I am not gonna give myself that satisfaction. I just don't know what to do...